Friday, April 6, 2012

Three Cranks

Original Date of Committal: 10-11-2010

Hollywood has a history of creating denigrating, belittling and generally insulting images of intellectuals. Here are just a few examples which will make you hope they continue to do so.

Dr Michael Hfuhruhurr, THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS (1983)

"Would you read that last bit back to me? I'm afraid it might make me sound pompous to your readers."
"'My brilliant research in brain transplantation is unsurpassed, and will probably make my name live beyond eternity'."
"Oh, no, no; that's good. But take out the 'probably'. It makes me sound wishy-washy." 

A brain surgeon so brilliant that Dolly Parton wants to have his baby.

A plot so pure and simple it should be upheld as the epitome of dramatic construction: Man falls in love with Brain. Others try to keep Man and Brain apart. Man saves Brain. The End. 

It would be a gross understatement to say that nothing will prepare you for the singular charms of THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS.

A grieving widower, Dr Michael Hfuhruhurr is world famous for his cranial screwtop method of entry into the brain (exactly what it sounds like). This knowledge comes in handy when the doc runs over the beautiful Dolores Benedict (Kathleen Turner) and he has to perform emergency brain surgery in order to save her life. What Michael doesn't realize is that Dolores is a cold-hearted bitch who is only interested in bumping him off and stealing all his money. While this nefarious plot is underway, Michael discovers he can communicate with a brain being kept alive by his colleague Dr Alfred Necessiter (David Warner). Needless to say, he falls in love with said brain and takes it home with him, happy to finally have someone who he can appreciate for their mind rather than their body. When he discovers that his new love will die without a new body, he goes in search of the perfect chassis.

To any sane individual this film has the most idiotic plot in the history of the planet, with characters whose collective intelligence couldn't power a lightbulb. I can't recommend it enough. 

Dr Hfuhruhurr is Steve Martin's greatest creation, distilling his 'Wild and Crazy guy' persona to its wonderfully brain dead essence.  

Dr Tobias Funke ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, (2003-2006)

There are so many words which can be used to describe Tobias:

Actor. Blue Man Group stand-in. Security guard. Cleaning woman. Pirate. Analrapist. Did I leave any out?

Dr Rumack, AIRPLANE! (1980)

The Macdaddy of quacks. This guy's main gift is the ability to sound like the highly qualified professional he is not. We wouldn't have him any other way.

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